Corpse Bride Abridged
by ElphieThroppDG28
Summary: The five-second version, mixed in with some strong opinions. Strong language


Corpse Bridge Abridged

_A/N: Yep, another one. I couldn't resist._

_DISCLAIMER: Yeah, yeah, I'm not Tim Burton. Don't rub it in._

_WARNING: Language. Yeah._

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><p><em><em>Once upon a time there was a pimp named Victor. He was all cool, but everyone thought he was a pussy. He didn't really mind, until his parents were all, "Yo! You's be marryin' some random bitch from across the street!" And he was all, "What. The. Fuck."

So, yeah. He was getting married, apparently! He'd never even met this chick! All he knew was that her parents had bugs up their asses and were really pissy all the time. But Victoria - oh, how clever THAT is! - was all droopy and boring, but Victor thought she was awesome, anyway.

Why, do you ask? Well, it isn't my story! If I had it my way, he wouldn't even like her! I mean, she's got little to no character development, and is just so annoying!

But I digress.

The wedding rehearsal is shit, because Victor keeps screwing up. So he runs off and is all, "Oh, fuck. I'm getting married tomorrow, and I can't even say my fucking vows."

But, in a rare moment of badassness, he says his vows and places the ring on some random-ass twig in the ground.

But, wait! It's not ordinary twig! It's...THE CORPSE BRIDE! (dun, dun, dunnnnnnnnnnn)

So after attempted rape, she manages to drag Victor down to hell. Or, wait...it's not hell. It's...the happy equivalent of purgatory...I think? Oh, fuck it. Anyway, everyone's all awesome and colorful and shit, kind of like Disney! But everyone's DEAD! So...it's not like Disney! But they sing and dance...so it _is _like Disney! Ugh, I'm confused!

Victor cons his "wife", who's this fucking awesome chick named Emily, to visit the "Upstairs". So they do, and he leaves her in the woods so he can go back to that wide-eyed boring bitch, what's-her-face-Victoria. But Emily finds the sorry little fucker, and pwns Victoria by dragging Victor back to hell.

Well, Victor's a little prick and is all, "It was a mistake! I didn't want to marry you!" Well, what an asshole! So Emily's sad, because she really does love him, and goes to sing with her Disney sidekicks.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Victoria's all, "Victor's married to a dead bitch! What the hell? I have to help him!" But her parents, who have bugs up their asses, are all, "Fuck that shit! You ain't goin' out! You're a crazy bitch!"

So while they figure out what to do, some old-looking Casanova comes in and convinces them to marry him to Victoria. But he's really after her money. Gasp! Of all things! But he doesn't know that they're dirt poor, and the only reason she was getting married to Victor was because his parents just got some money. But, whatever! Situational Irony is the shit, bitches!

So Victor feels like scum for being a big bitch, and he and Emily play the piano. And they fucking rock it! But then Victor finds out that Victoria's getting married, and that makes him sad. Dammit, Victor! She's boring as fuck! Emily's much more exciting and actually CARES about you! Hell, you've spent more time with her than Victoria! BUT FUCK IT! He can do whatever the fuck he wants!

So Victoria is forced into marriage. Wah, wah, wah. Whatever.

But wait! Emily finds out that she can't marry Victor if she's dead! They have to go "Upstairs", and he needs to drink some poison to make himself die, and THEN they can be together! But Victor will never fly with this! He's too in love with Bella Swan - I mean, Victoria!

Speaking of Twilight, wouldn't that law apply to Bella and Edward? He's technically dead...so they can't get married unless she's dead! Oooh, loophole!

But I digress...again.

So Victor, deciding to rush into things because he's heartbroken over his lost love, decides to get married to Emily. THANK GOD HE CAME TO HIS SENSES.

But when everyone's going "Upstairs", they disturb Victoria's wedding party. And everyone's all, "Oh shit it's the Apocalypse!" But then they're cool with it, because they recognize their dead loved ones. Aw, how cute!

But then Old-Assenova is all, "Give me yo money, bitch!" And Victoria-Bella's all, "Um, I don't have any." And he gets PISSED!

So Victor and Emily are gonna get married FINALLY. But Victoria-Bella shows her stupid-ass head, and Emily, being the nice awesome character she is, calls it off because she knows that Victor will be much "happier" with Victoria. GRRR!

But Old-Assenova comes in and is all, "She's still my whore!" But then we see that he and Emily were once engaged, but he killed her for her money, which was what he was gonna do with Victoria-Bella. So Victor and him duel, and then he accidentally drinks the poison and dies! So all the Disney sidekicks decide to kick his ass.

So Victor and Victoria-Bella are all happy and shit. And Emily dissolves into thousands of butterflies because her spirit is free.

THE END

WHAT THE FUCK? NO! EMILY AND VICTOR BELONG TOGETHER! THEY ARE THE ULTIMATE OTP! WHAT THE FUCK TIM BURTON? THIS SUCKS! THIS STORY IS SHIT! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? FUCK THIS!

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><p><em>AN: LOL while I do hate the ending...I wouldn't go that far. ;)_

_Review please! :)_


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